The older your children get the harder it is to have sex! I seem to be following a theme here, from catsuits to bras and now bedroom dancing, (I will be releasing a DVD at this rate).
Its a fact that once your kids reach a certain age they suddenly know what your doing while your doing it. It doesn’t matter what time you do the deed they still know and totally disapprove of the deed you are doing. Look at it as teenage intuition. Over the years we have come to terms with this but, now and again (because lets face it, if I waited for the house to be empty I would be celibate)the urge takes you so we have had to try to come up with a solution.
Recently we have resorted to the radio, having it on seems to detour any unwanted teen presence from our bedroom door.
The thing is, its created a new problem. I’m the first to admit my mind tends to wander, anyone that knows me knows I go off on a tangent every five minutes. The husband says it’s annoying, I put it down to “so much to say and so little time”. It means that my thought process is here, there and everywhere, whether I’m cleaning the house, going for a walk or……Well you know exactly!
It doesn’t matter that the radio is supposed to just be background noise, my ears followed by my mind tune into it.
Most recently we had a couple of free minutes so decided to put it to good use. Off we troop to the bedroom and switch on the radio. Classic FM were playing Mozarts Symphony No 41. Its quite nice actually, upbeat here , a bit twangy now and again, fast,then slow, a couple of horns, generally all the things that a lay person would want from a symphony. But when your in the heat of the moment a symphony may not be exactly what you need.This is by no means a criticism of Mozart at all but, this symphony is not an ideal accompaniment to a bit of rumpy pumpy, (trust me on this) because the rhythms all wrong. Once my ears tuned into that bit of music I couldn’t help focusing on the fact that The Husband was not keeping time, or while we are at it (literally) he failed to go slow then fast at the required different points. Think a ballroom dance “slow, slow quick, quick, slow”, that wasn’t happening, his mind was on other things. I chose not to point this out at the time as I pride myself in being a considerate partner, I was hoping The Husband would get with the programme, unfortunately he wasn’t as tuned into the music as I was! Its not helped by the huge crescendo at the end, I hear crescendo and think “Oooh thats over then” The Husband it seems doesn’t. Its not like I could ask him to stop while I turned it down or changed stations, this is an in for a penny in for a pound kind of moment, there’s me focusing on the french horn, and The Husband was focusing on anything but….(You get where I’m coming from here, honestly this is like a scene from a carry on film….Oooh err Mrs”).
Plus the whole symphony lasts an average of 33 minutes (no I wasn’t timing it I googled that later.) You can’t blame me for thinking “are we nearly there yet”. We moved onto Saint Saens carnival of the animals before we finished. I was expecting a standing ovation!
After that classical experience I decided to change stations (a different day obviously) this was no more successful, the beat to “Sweet dreams are made of these” is no good, nor when you analyse it are the words, Chris Reas “The road to hell” is a comparison I don’t want to think about while otherwise occupied. Meatloafs “bat out of hell” wasn’t too bad, but even Madonna and “get into the groove” is a tough one rhythm wise. I’m not great on the dance floor but I’m begging to understand why The Husband’s never taken me dancing!
Songs aside there are also the adverts, I caught myself thinking “A sale at DFS” I must tell Kia (she needs one). Hungry house made me start thinking about sweet and sour chicken balls, the advert for canisten just about took the biscuit!
I have decided for obvious reasons that the radio is no longer an option. I’ve shared these thoughts with The husband who said something along the lines of “words failing him, and it must be exhausting being my brain” he has a point.
After our chat I was wondering if I would catch him in front of the mirror practicing some hip thrusts to “Eine Kleine nachtmusik” or better still “Hot stuff” (think the movie The full Monty.) He hasn’t yet. I’m not suggesting it!
I don’t think the television would be any better, it’s a tough one!
With that in mind I have no option but to create my own rumpy pumpy spotify play list.
I shall keep you posted.